Wednesday, 18 July 2012

The Curious Case of the Never Ageing Face

Woo No Doubt have a new song! Here's the video for it.

Ok, it's quite a long-ass song. They're definitely gonna be cutting out a lot of that when they play it on the radio. And the video itself? Not exactly mind-blowing, but kinda fun. Oh and sort of scarily laden with close-ups of branded products which is something it's sort of easy to get all het up about until you remember that Nobody Pays For Music These Days so bands have got to earn a living somehow.

But anyway: what's up with Gwen Stefani's face? Look at that face. I recognise that face of hers. Why, I believe it's the very same face I have seen in numerous other videos.

Like this one, from 2006.

But that was six years ago! Why has she not aged? She has not aged. She looks like she's the exact same age.

Or this one from 2005.

She's the same damn age.

(Also it's quite fun to deliberately misinterpret the lyrics of the chorus of this song. When she says "I know we're cool", she's talking about staying friends with her ex, and being "cool" with each other. But I like to imagine that she's banging on about how she's "cool" in the sense of being really stylish and keeping up with all the latest trends. Alright Gwen, shut up about how cool you are, we get it.)

Or 2004. Eight years ago. EIGHT YEARS:

I'm starting to see a couple of trends beginning to emerge. Not only have Ms Stefani's videos got gradually less awe-inspiring since 2004, there's also the issue that she doesn't look like she's got at all older in eight years.

The woman was born in the 60s. I don't know what exact age she was during the filming of any of these videos but in 2004 she was certainly in her mid-thirties. She's now 42.

Let's go a little further back in time:

Gwen Stefani looking the same age in 2001:

And in 2001 again. (I'm only posting this one as well because it features No Doubt's drummer getting naked and hanging from a trapeze):

And in 1996:

Alright I suppose she looks a little bit younger in this one. But if we forget about this music video, it's still pretty remarkable how Gwen Stefani has doesn't look a day older than she did in 2001. I don't wanna sound sensationalist or anything, but there's really only one plausible explanation for this.

At some point between the years 1996 and 2001 the real Gwen Stefani was killed (perhaps in a car accident, say) and replaced with a robot Gwen Stefani. An extremely convincing, all-singing, all-dancing, artificial intelligence cyborg android. 

Robot Gwen, I salute you. You've gone places in your career that nobody really expected Human Gwen to go. I don't think anyone would have looked at vaguely alternative pop-rock Gwen from 1996 and predicted you'd be interrupting black tie parties with Eve, or hanging out with your Harajuku Girls and chasing flamingos, or making a song in which you say 'shit' a total of 38 times? (Or, if you watch the 'clean version' of the video, there are 38 weird pauses.)

Nobody. Well done Robot Gwen. You're amazing, even though you're a robot. And if anything, now that I know you're a robot I sort of think you're more amazing than I did before.

1 comment:

  1. If you need your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (no matter why you broke up) you must watch this video
    right away...

    (VIDEO) Have your ex CRAWLING back to you...?


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