It will not be because of some protest against organised religion, against the opposition from various churches to gay rights, abortion rights, the right to die, condom use or sex before marriage - no. It will not be because of any of these things. It would be entirely down to one thing, and one thing alone.
Church bells going off all night.
Now I'm a heavy sleeper. I can sleep through anything once I'm actually sound asleep, but perhaps to compensate for this I am one of those people who takes ages to actually fall asleep. Thoughts whizz through my head, shopping lists and blog posts write themselves, Kylie Minogue sings bits of her songs on a loop, dark and twisted sexual fantasies spring from nowhere.
Actually that last one is a lie - to my eternal disappointment most of my sexual fantasies are quite boring really.
Eventually I'll reach a state where I'm almost asleep. I'll start to dream. Usually I become aware of being in a 'dream location' before I can actually see it. I'm in my old school, or a buffet reception at a dingy hotel - i have some very cinematic dreams. I start to hear sounds. Voices etc. And then -BONG. BONG. BONG.
Fucking church bells. It's three O'fucking-clock and I'm still awake. Nowadays it's rare for me to be up past three even on a night, yet on this particular evening I've been hunched over a problem sheet til midnight and have been in bed trying to fall asleep sleep for over two hours. And just as I'm about to drift off, the clock strikes again. And again.
I do actually quite like the sound of churchbells. During the day. They're a bit useless in the morning as at say 10 O'clock I only really become aware of them once it's too late to keep count, but it's quite nice to be aware that it's something O'clock and then you can look at your watch or your phone or whatever the most convenient clock to you is saying, and then you'll know what time it is.
Perhaps in the middle ages, when nobody had their own clock, the hourly ringing of church bells would have been a lot more important, as presumably the only other way you could tell the time would be to stare at the sky and guess. But no more! We have clocks. We have watches and mobile phones.
And even if you're too poor to have a watch or a phone, or you smashed your phone on a dancefloor, or you got mugged - I fail to see how you could be more than an hour away from a working clock. Most people awake in the early hours of the morning are either still up from the night before or have the sort of job that requires you to be out of bed really early.
Waste disposal technicians (binmen), dairy delivery officers (milkmen. The hilarities of political correctness gone mad!) - these people all have to be up really early. They might have to be out of bed at something like 4.30 and out the house with barely enough time to eat a bowl of cereal. But these people surely set an alarm clock to do this.
Admittedly I'm coming from the privileged position of basically never having to get out of bed before 8 (and let's be honest, only very rarely before about half ten). But I just can't imagine a single group of people who appreciate hourly bells right through the night.
The sound of church bells should be a joy. You can be the most committed atheist in the world and still smile at the a load of bells going off in the middle of the day. When they seem to be really going for it with tunes and everything.
Unless - like me - you live a stone's throw away from a church, in a Victorian house with single glazed windows. In which case you will probably want to scream.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: in the aftermath of that guy saying he was gonna blow up an airport on Twitter I'd just like to be clear - I promise I won't actually burn down any churches.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Fuck It I'm Writing A Recipe
I've been meaning to do some 'student cooking' recipes for a while. The general point was meant to be me showing off about what I'd cooked and how cheap it was and aren't I clever managing to eat such tasty food on a budget - well this meal fails miserably at that, because duck breasts are not cheap.
Some of this post was written yesterday, fresh from Tesco's and laden with shopping, after a rather eventful cycle ride as there's something wrong with my bike that means the pedals are only working about 50% of the time. I really should take it to the repair shop. I've since rewritten it, but some of the tenses might make no sense still, as I did my English GCSE five years ago and have since forgotten how to write.
A bag of frozen mixed fruit (£1.50, or you could get just raspberries but that's £2)
Carrots (£1, you won't use all of them though)
A tin of chickpeas (80p - wtf is with this modern rip-off, when I was first year you could get 3 tins for a quid, maybe I should be buying dried chickpeas.)
-I wasn't even going to buy chickpeas, but Tesco was out of any white beans like haricots or butter beans.
A tin of value kidney beans (18p)
A red onion (18p)
A bag of baby leaf salad and rocket (Usually £1.50 but they have a 2 for £1 offer)
Brown sugar
Lemon juice
Ground coriander
Cumin
Optional: some red wine for the sauce. Or balsamic vinegar. I forgot to buy either of these and it turned out fine without them.
Total: about £12. Serves: 4.
So it's £3 each - like I said this isn't amazingly cheap, but is only marginally more expensive than a McDonalds Happy Meal. IT doesn't come with a free toy though.
Some of this post was written yesterday, fresh from Tesco's and laden with shopping, after a rather eventful cycle ride as there's something wrong with my bike that means the pedals are only working about 50% of the time. I really should take it to the repair shop. I've since rewritten it, but some of the tenses might make no sense still, as I did my English GCSE five years ago and have since forgotten how to write.
What We're Having For Dinner:
Fried duck breast with red berry sauce, chickpea and kidney bean mash, sautéed carrots and salad.You'll Need to Buy:
4 duck breasts (£8)A bag of frozen mixed fruit (£1.50, or you could get just raspberries but that's £2)
Carrots (£1, you won't use all of them though)
A tin of chickpeas (80p - wtf is with this modern rip-off, when I was first year you could get 3 tins for a quid, maybe I should be buying dried chickpeas.)
-I wasn't even going to buy chickpeas, but Tesco was out of any white beans like haricots or butter beans.
A tin of value kidney beans (18p)
A red onion (18p)
A bag of baby leaf salad and rocket (Usually £1.50 but they have a 2 for £1 offer)
You Might Already Have in a Cupboard:
Salt and pepperBrown sugar
Lemon juice
Ground coriander
Cumin
Optional: some red wine for the sauce. Or balsamic vinegar. I forgot to buy either of these and it turned out fine without them.
So it's £3 each - like I said this isn't amazingly cheap, but is only marginally more expensive than a McDonalds Happy Meal. IT doesn't come with a free toy though.
Instructions:
Finely dice the onion and fry. You want it to be nice and soft so do them on a medium-low heat. This might take a while, add a little bit of water to the pan if they look like they're about to dry out.
While the onion's cooking prepare your carrots. I wanted to go for thin strips so I did this using the slicer on the side of my cheesegrater. I used 3 decent sized carrots although you could probably do more.
Keeping an eye on the onions, drain your chickpeas and kidney beans, and rinse off the starchy water they've been sitting in.
When the onion looks about done add both tins then a couple of tablespoons of lemon juice and salt to taste. You want it to be quite sour but not overpowering.
Mash up the mixture in the pan. If you've got a potato masher it makes it a bit quicker but if not just use the side of a fork. You're not aiming for a smooth puree so don't worry if it's quite rough with a few whole ones in. At this point you might want to add some finely chopped fresh coriander for extra flavour. (I didn't bother, but it might be nice.)
You probably don't want to keep the mash on the heat for too long because it might start to dry out - once it's ready transfer it to a bowl. You can stick it in the microwave just before serving to warm up - I went for 'warm' as opposed to hot and I think it was pretty nice like that.
Get your duck breasts out the packet and cut slices into the skin, going through all the fat but not too deep into the flesh. Find your sharpest knife for this as otherwise it's a bit fiddly, and you'll want this knife again later for slicing up your breasts before serving. Rub some salt and pepper on both sides.
Add a big handful (maybe 100g) of frozen berries to a small saucepan with some butter and sugar. I basically guessed the proportions, scoop up a decent tablespoon of butter and shake some sugar out a packet. You want it to be quite sweet to balance the sour bean mash and the peppery flavour of the rocket, mine was probably a little bit sweet and I made a bit more than needed. But - you can use leftovers as a sauce for desserts, as long as you make sure you don't accidentally get any bits of duck in the pan.
Heat until the butter melts and the berries are all defrosted. They'll start to release juices but will mostly remain intact. If you wanted a smooth sauce you could pass this through a sieve to get rid of the seeds and the fibrousy bits, but I couldn't find one, and to be honest as you spoon the sauce over the duck you can just avoid the solid fruits if you want. Once it looks done take off the heat - you can warm it up just before serving.
At this point I twiddled my thumbs for about 45 minutes as I was waiting for my friends to arrive and I didn't want to accidentally serve them cold duck breasts. The duck takes a lot longer than the sauce so if everyone you're cooking for is ready and waiting then you can get the duck on the heat before you start the sauce.
Keeping an eye on the onions, drain your chickpeas and kidney beans, and rinse off the starchy water they've been sitting in.
When the onion looks about done add both tins then a couple of tablespoons of lemon juice and salt to taste. You want it to be quite sour but not overpowering.
Mash up the mixture in the pan. If you've got a potato masher it makes it a bit quicker but if not just use the side of a fork. You're not aiming for a smooth puree so don't worry if it's quite rough with a few whole ones in. At this point you might want to add some finely chopped fresh coriander for extra flavour. (I didn't bother, but it might be nice.)
You probably don't want to keep the mash on the heat for too long because it might start to dry out - once it's ready transfer it to a bowl. You can stick it in the microwave just before serving to warm up - I went for 'warm' as opposed to hot and I think it was pretty nice like that.
Get your duck breasts out the packet and cut slices into the skin, going through all the fat but not too deep into the flesh. Find your sharpest knife for this as otherwise it's a bit fiddly, and you'll want this knife again later for slicing up your breasts before serving. Rub some salt and pepper on both sides.
Add a big handful (maybe 100g) of frozen berries to a small saucepan with some butter and sugar. I basically guessed the proportions, scoop up a decent tablespoon of butter and shake some sugar out a packet. You want it to be quite sweet to balance the sour bean mash and the peppery flavour of the rocket, mine was probably a little bit sweet and I made a bit more than needed. But - you can use leftovers as a sauce for desserts, as long as you make sure you don't accidentally get any bits of duck in the pan.
Heat until the butter melts and the berries are all defrosted. They'll start to release juices but will mostly remain intact. If you wanted a smooth sauce you could pass this through a sieve to get rid of the seeds and the fibrousy bits, but I couldn't find one, and to be honest as you spoon the sauce over the duck you can just avoid the solid fruits if you want. Once it looks done take off the heat - you can warm it up just before serving.
At this point I twiddled my thumbs for about 45 minutes as I was waiting for my friends to arrive and I didn't want to accidentally serve them cold duck breasts. The duck takes a lot longer than the sauce so if everyone you're cooking for is ready and waiting then you can get the duck on the heat before you start the sauce.
Get a nice big pan and put it on the highest heat. You don't need any oil as the layer of fat under the duck's skin will melt as the duck cooks. Wait until the pan's really hot then put in your breasts skin side down. Turn down the heat to medium and leave these for about 5 minutes until they've released loads of oil and the skin's starting to look a crispy golden-brown colour. Then turn them over.
I pretty much had no idea how to tell how ready they were so I enlisted the help of my friend Oscar, who gave me the following advice:
"Give them a poke and if they're as firm as your cheek then they're raw, if they're as firm as your chin then they're rare and if they feel like your forehead then they're well-done."
Here's a picture of Oscar:
I pretty much had no idea how to tell how ready they were so I enlisted the help of my friend Oscar, who gave me the following advice:
"Give them a poke and if they're as firm as your cheek then they're raw, if they're as firm as your chin then they're rare and if they feel like your forehead then they're well-done."
Here's a picture of Oscar:
I haven't ever tried a totally raw bit of duck but I can't imagine it's all that delicious, so you want it to be reasonably cooked but still quite pink in the middle. Flip them every so often so they cook evenly and when they look done transfer to a chopping board and wrap in foil so they don't cool down too much.
Now fry your carrot strips. Chuck in a teaspoon of cumin and/or ground coriander to add some nice flavours. Don't fry them for too long - they'll be quite firm still and will absorb some of the flavour from the duck fat. I think if you fry them for too long they'll get really caramelised and be a bit too sweet.
Now fry your carrot strips. Chuck in a teaspoon of cumin and/or ground coriander to add some nice flavours. Don't fry them for too long - they'll be quite firm still and will absorb some of the flavour from the duck fat. I think if you fry them for too long they'll get really caramelised and be a bit too sweet.
While your carrots are in the pan prepare your plates: chuck some salad leaves on them and spoon out the bean mash. It might need a little whizz round the microwave first.
When you think the carrots look done take them off the heat, and put on top of some kitchen roll to absorb the excess oil. I think this is worth doing as it might end up a bit greasy otherwise. If you don't have kitchen roll then maybe use a clean tea towel that you can put in the wash after.
Use your sharp knife to slice up your duck breasts before serving. Wash it first as you're not supposed to mix cooked meat with raw meat in case you die of food poisoning. I found it was easier to hold the breast in one hand and cut with the other instead of using a fork - you want the slices quite thin and it gets a bit fiddly.
Pretend you're on Materchef as you arrange the carrots and meat on top of the salad.
And finally - spoon over the sauce.
When you think the carrots look done take them off the heat, and put on top of some kitchen roll to absorb the excess oil. I think this is worth doing as it might end up a bit greasy otherwise. If you don't have kitchen roll then maybe use a clean tea towel that you can put in the wash after.
Use your sharp knife to slice up your duck breasts before serving. Wash it first as you're not supposed to mix cooked meat with raw meat in case you die of food poisoning. I found it was easier to hold the breast in one hand and cut with the other instead of using a fork - you want the slices quite thin and it gets a bit fiddly.
Pretend you're on Materchef as you arrange the carrots and meat on top of the salad.
And finally - spoon over the sauce.
Enjoy.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Useful ways to spend your time
1. Win your college's annual pancake race.
2. Log into Grindr and upload a photo of a crow. Wait for the messages to roll in.
3. Update your CV then forget to apply for jobs in time for the application deadlines.
4. Tinker with your privacy settings on Facebook
5. Consider uninstalling some programs from your computer in the hope it will run faster without them.
6. Devise a dance routine for the song 'Control' by Janet Jackson.
7. Respond to your Grindr messages.
8. Devise another dance routine for Janet Jackson's 'Black Cat'. And take a moment to fully appreciate that she wrote this song herself and that she is an overlooked genius.
9. Admire the many faces of the Jackson siblings.
10. Check Grindr again.
11. Write a blog.
12. Put on the kettle. Consider getting back to work.
13. Watch a film.
14. Sleep.
2. Log into Grindr and upload a photo of a crow. Wait for the messages to roll in.
3. Update your CV then forget to apply for jobs in time for the application deadlines.
4. Tinker with your privacy settings on Facebook
5. Consider uninstalling some programs from your computer in the hope it will run faster without them.
6. Devise a dance routine for the song 'Control' by Janet Jackson.
7. Respond to your Grindr messages.
9. Admire the many faces of the Jackson siblings.
10. Check Grindr again.
11. Write a blog.
12. Put on the kettle. Consider getting back to work.
13. Watch a film.
14. Sleep.
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Thoughts on Page 3 and 'No More Page 3'
I am against Page 3. The fact that in the 21st century a newspaper thinks it's totally innocuous to run pictures of topless women every day shows that this is a very sexist newspaper. But I only think this because they don't also have daily pictures of topless men.
One of the primary ideas of feminism is that men and women are equal. In practice people can have loads of arguments about whether or not this is true, but usually people who argue men and women aren't equal are confusing the word 'equal' with 'exactly the same'. Broadly speaking there are quite a few differences between men and women, some related to biology and some perhaps influenced more by social factors, although it's unclear to what extent this might be so.
For example, in the UK most football fans are male. To what extent this is because football is 'naturally' more appealing to males than females is unclear. It may be that throughout childhood boys are encouraged to take an interest in playing and watching football to a far greater extent than girls to the point that this could totally explain the disparity. Or perhaps it's other factors - as a male-dominated space football might be openly hostile to women, or maybe men like being given the opportunity to run around being a football hooligan.
Even if you think those suggestions are totally wrong and the only possible explanation is in hormones and brain chemistry, it would be hard to argue that men and women aren't of equal worth as human beings. Not exactly rocket science.
Another obvious difference between men and women is apparent in their bodies. In many ways men are similar: they both have arms and legs and heads and shoulders and bums, but there are a few differences. Men tend to have a cock and balls, and women have something between their legs too terrifying to describe . Women also have long hair on their heads, and men have short hair - oh wait a minute, I think that might be one of those social factor things I was talking about earlier. Maybe. Men and women both have nipples, women with breast tissue underneath and men without, although some men can develop a sort of chest cleavage of their own if they go to the gym loads. (See below.)
Because they've developed to feed babies with milk, women's nipples are generally a bit bigger than men's I think, but they basically look the same otherwise. So why, how can it possibly be, that women's nipples are more offensive, or sexual, or for the eyes of adults only, than men's?
Let's just imagine a male version of page 3:
I don't know who this guy is, but I just found him on a Google image search for 'man in underwear', with the highest level of safesearch on. Looking at this, it reminds me of an image I saw plastered all over billboards a while ago.
Oh yeah - an advert for pants. That we're happy to see plastered on shop windows and billboards, without provoking hysterical responses that these were supposed to be 'family shop windows' or 'family billboards', or that perhaps the seductive look in David Beckham's eye will lead to excessive horniness in adult women and the early sexualisation of young boys who will think they have to get loads of awful tattoos in order to emulate him.
Like I said, Page 3 is sexist. Defending it as 'a celebration of the beauty of youth' or something doesn't excuse the very obvious fact that if you choose to only celebrate the beauty of one gender then you're being sexist.
But porn it ain't.
Categorising women's nipples as more obscene than men's does not help women. And if anything, makes life a lot more difficult for a subset of women: those with young children who wish to breastfeed in public. Women are routinely harassed for this by members of the public, or even by political columnists on Twitter.
Everyone knows print and broadcast media are still very sexist. If you want to get into the papers and you're a woman you have to be Kate Middleton or Madeleine McCann. Or Mary Beard, but only so that they can report the fact that people on a messageboard had photoshopped your face onto a vulva. TV comedy shows routinely have no women on a panel of six. Or congratulate themselves for occasionally having two women on a panel of six, despite the fact they also have a male host. BBC Radio Four regularly has more male guests than female ones. Even with Woman's Hour on six days a week, there are still far more male voices than female.
In this climate I can see why lots of women don't like Page 3. To them, it symbolises what's wrong with British media. The No More Page 3 campaign is gaining momentum, picking up media attention and even Rupert Murdoch has said maybe it's had its day.
Well, fine. As someone who only very rarely pays actual money for a print newspaper, and has probably been on holiday to Dorset more times than I've bought a copy of The Sun, I can't exactly say I'll miss it. Maybe some of its readers will, and they'll have to move to the Daily Star. Maybe for a while some feminists will make a point of buying The Sun to congratulate old Rupert on finally joining the sisterhood.
Will the nation have lost anything? No. But to me, this whole thing seems as much like puritanism as it does feminism.
I'm reminded of the scene in the pilot of Malcolm in the Middle, when a topless Lois opens the front door to a startled reaction from one of her son's teachers. "They're just boobs, lady," she says. "You see them in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine."
One of the primary ideas of feminism is that men and women are equal. In practice people can have loads of arguments about whether or not this is true, but usually people who argue men and women aren't equal are confusing the word 'equal' with 'exactly the same'. Broadly speaking there are quite a few differences between men and women, some related to biology and some perhaps influenced more by social factors, although it's unclear to what extent this might be so.
For example, in the UK most football fans are male. To what extent this is because football is 'naturally' more appealing to males than females is unclear. It may be that throughout childhood boys are encouraged to take an interest in playing and watching football to a far greater extent than girls to the point that this could totally explain the disparity. Or perhaps it's other factors - as a male-dominated space football might be openly hostile to women, or maybe men like being given the opportunity to run around being a football hooligan.
Even if you think those suggestions are totally wrong and the only possible explanation is in hormones and brain chemistry, it would be hard to argue that men and women aren't of equal worth as human beings. Not exactly rocket science.
Another obvious difference between men and women is apparent in their bodies. In many ways men are similar: they both have arms and legs and heads and shoulders and bums, but there are a few differences. Men tend to have a cock and balls, and women have something between their legs too terrifying to describe . Women also have long hair on their heads, and men have short hair - oh wait a minute, I think that might be one of those social factor things I was talking about earlier. Maybe. Men and women both have nipples, women with breast tissue underneath and men without, although some men can develop a sort of chest cleavage of their own if they go to the gym loads. (See below.)
Because they've developed to feed babies with milk, women's nipples are generally a bit bigger than men's I think, but they basically look the same otherwise. So why, how can it possibly be, that women's nipples are more offensive, or sexual, or for the eyes of adults only, than men's?
Let's just imagine a male version of page 3:
I don't know who this guy is, but I just found him on a Google image search for 'man in underwear', with the highest level of safesearch on. Looking at this, it reminds me of an image I saw plastered all over billboards a while ago.
Oh yeah - an advert for pants. That we're happy to see plastered on shop windows and billboards, without provoking hysterical responses that these were supposed to be 'family shop windows' or 'family billboards', or that perhaps the seductive look in David Beckham's eye will lead to excessive horniness in adult women and the early sexualisation of young boys who will think they have to get loads of awful tattoos in order to emulate him.
Like I said, Page 3 is sexist. Defending it as 'a celebration of the beauty of youth' or something doesn't excuse the very obvious fact that if you choose to only celebrate the beauty of one gender then you're being sexist.
But porn it ain't.
Categorising women's nipples as more obscene than men's does not help women. And if anything, makes life a lot more difficult for a subset of women: those with young children who wish to breastfeed in public. Women are routinely harassed for this by members of the public, or even by political columnists on Twitter.
Everyone knows print and broadcast media are still very sexist. If you want to get into the papers and you're a woman you have to be Kate Middleton or Madeleine McCann. Or Mary Beard, but only so that they can report the fact that people on a messageboard had photoshopped your face onto a vulva. TV comedy shows routinely have no women on a panel of six. Or congratulate themselves for occasionally having two women on a panel of six, despite the fact they also have a male host. BBC Radio Four regularly has more male guests than female ones. Even with Woman's Hour on six days a week, there are still far more male voices than female.
In this climate I can see why lots of women don't like Page 3. To them, it symbolises what's wrong with British media. The No More Page 3 campaign is gaining momentum, picking up media attention and even Rupert Murdoch has said maybe it's had its day.
Well, fine. As someone who only very rarely pays actual money for a print newspaper, and has probably been on holiday to Dorset more times than I've bought a copy of The Sun, I can't exactly say I'll miss it. Maybe some of its readers will, and they'll have to move to the Daily Star. Maybe for a while some feminists will make a point of buying The Sun to congratulate old Rupert on finally joining the sisterhood.
Will the nation have lost anything? No. But to me, this whole thing seems as much like puritanism as it does feminism.
I'm reminded of the scene in the pilot of Malcolm in the Middle, when a topless Lois opens the front door to a startled reaction from one of her son's teachers. "They're just boobs, lady," she says. "You see them in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine."
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Seasons Greetings, here's Rita Pavone
Sometimes I like to watch things on Youtube and then click the suggested videos and see where I end up. A while ago I thought I'd watch Martin Bashir interviewing Princess Diana (the famous one where she says there were three people in the marriage) and eventually got to the following - Princess Diana in South Korea.
It shows Princess Diana looking sad and bored at a banquet, while a bit of new age chinese-sounding music plays in the background. As one commenter puts it, "This is hard to watch... So much sadness and pain behind her eyes, yet it takes nothing away from her beauty... I hope she realized that Charles never deserved her... What an amazing and angelic woman. We love you Diana RIP."
But life isn't all tragic fairytales gone wrong and staring into the middle distance, and neither is the internet. And one thing there are lots of on the internet (other than pornography) is old music videos by people you've never heard of. And there is lots of fun to be had by finding yourself a new favourite pop starlet to diva worship.
Here's our latest addition: Rita Pavone.
Rita was part of the "yé-yé" style of pop music, which originally started in France. Young-looking girls singing songs with innocent lyrics (or occasionally really overt double entendres which the singers were too naïve to understand.) The songs were often about love, but included themes such as whatever this song is supposed to be about.
I am really unsure as to what that song means. 'Long live the father colonel pomodoro' is my best guess. She looks sort of like she's dressed up in a military outfit but it sounds pretty light and cheerful.
A slightly more emotive one here, called 'Heart' in Italian. It's about suffering from being in love.
"Oh my poor heart," she sings, "you'll suffer more. Every day more, every day every day more."
I think you get the idea by now, but I can't resist posting one more cos this one's also a gem.
As well as being a singer, she appeared in several films. Little Rita of the West, a spaghetti western musical extravaganza, which in retrospect now looks a bit racist as the native americans are clearly white people wearing face paint.
Still, everyone loves a musical. She also appeared in La Feldmarescialla, which I'm guessing is Italian for The Field-marshal. It's hard to tell exactly what this film is about as I can't find a synopsis of the film in English, but it appears to be a hilarious comedy musical about the nazis. Ho ho ho.
She became a star in America as well, recording in English and duetting with with Barbra Streisand, Diana Ross, Tom Jones and Ella Fitzgerald. Oh and Whitney Houston, and Frank Sinatra. And Cher.
She also had a really annoying novelty song called 'My Name is Potato', which featured an angry cartoon potato who gets annoyed when she calls him a 'patata'.
I have no idea what they were thinking when they made this but I would love to know.
To finish, here's a really 80s new romantic cover of Rita's 1965 hit Il Geghegè. If anyone can speak Italian and is able to tell me what a geghegè is then please do get in touch.
It shows Princess Diana looking sad and bored at a banquet, while a bit of new age chinese-sounding music plays in the background. As one commenter puts it, "This is hard to watch... So much sadness and pain behind her eyes, yet it takes nothing away from her beauty... I hope she realized that Charles never deserved her... What an amazing and angelic woman. We love you Diana RIP."
But life isn't all tragic fairytales gone wrong and staring into the middle distance, and neither is the internet. And one thing there are lots of on the internet (other than pornography) is old music videos by people you've never heard of. And there is lots of fun to be had by finding yourself a new favourite pop starlet to diva worship.
Here's our latest addition: Rita Pavone.
I don't know much in the way of Italian so have no idea what this song is about, but my oh my it is a cool song.
Rita was part of the "yé-yé" style of pop music, which originally started in France. Young-looking girls singing songs with innocent lyrics (or occasionally really overt double entendres which the singers were too naïve to understand.) The songs were often about love, but included themes such as whatever this song is supposed to be about.
I am really unsure as to what that song means. 'Long live the father colonel pomodoro' is my best guess. She looks sort of like she's dressed up in a military outfit but it sounds pretty light and cheerful.
A slightly more emotive one here, called 'Heart' in Italian. It's about suffering from being in love.
"Oh my poor heart," she sings, "you'll suffer more. Every day more, every day every day more."
I think you get the idea by now, but I can't resist posting one more cos this one's also a gem.
She became a star in America as well, recording in English and duetting with with Barbra Streisand, Diana Ross, Tom Jones and Ella Fitzgerald. Oh and Whitney Houston, and Frank Sinatra. And Cher.
She also had a really annoying novelty song called 'My Name is Potato', which featured an angry cartoon potato who gets annoyed when she calls him a 'patata'.
I have no idea what they were thinking when they made this but I would love to know.
To finish, here's a really 80s new romantic cover of Rita's 1965 hit Il Geghegè. If anyone can speak Italian and is able to tell me what a geghegè is then please do get in touch.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
It's The Police Elections Yay
Aw yeah police elections are coming up, hands up who is excited! Yeahhhh.
I've just done a tiny bit of research on the candidates for the Thames Valley, and I wholeheartedly want to want to say I am in support of the independent candidate Patience Tayo Awe. This is due to the fact that I rather like what she says about the fact that she's running as an independent candidate. She says:
If elected, I will involve and represent all the people impartially.I am not affiliated to any political party. Keep political party politics out of policing to maintain the integrity of the Police service and truly empower the people.
Right on. She continues:
I finished my first degree over 20 years ago, completed my MSc IT postgraduate degree 12 years ago and became a PRINCE2 Registered Practitioner in 2004. I have worked in various sectors, as a front office cashier, teacher, insurance marketing executive, banker, software tester, IT Capacity Planner, Project Manager also served as a Charity Trustee. I am a results-driven person that is very passionate about volunteering and serving the community. ICT is crucial in fighting crime and ensuring we live in a safer community.
OK well I'm not entirely sure what a police commissioner is actually supposed to do but I think it might have a bit more to it than knowing lots about IT.
Party politics and policing will create worse problems; it will create avenue for partiality, unfairness, double standards and all the associated social imbalances and also compromise the integrity of the police. With due respect, party politicians cannot be trusted, they have made countless ‘u turns’, expenses scandal, £14m train fiasco, G4 scandal, some are out of touch with the local people, even insult the police. We had these same party politicians when resentment and frustration against the police reached boiling point and there was a nationwide riot last year? Local people emerged as heroes to save the situation. The same way local people made the Olympics and Paralympics a huge success. Please reflect on this. Make a difference and please vote for me. Thank you in anticipation of your vote.
Why is there a question mark in the middle of that paragraph? There definitely were riots last year.
Next up, UKIP. What's Barry Cooper got to say for himself?
I have absolutely no professional experience with the criminal justice system and am totally free of the preconceptions, prejudices and institutional inertia that come with such experience, which allows me to look at the issues and realties facing the police with an unprejudiced and fresh pair of eyes.
In the summer after I did my A-levels I was looking for work and in the local paper saw an ad called Experienced Forklift Truck Driver. If only I'd known that I could have applied anyway and just made it clear that I was free of the preconceptions, prejudices and institutional inertia that comes with knowing how to drive a forklift truck. What a fool I was.
The Thames Valley Police is one of the best, if not the best, force in the country.
In my head this statement sounds a little bit like a card saying 'World's Best Dad' would, were I a dad and it was father's day. So, Barry - why should people in the Thames Valley vote for you?
I am one of them. I live in the Thames Valley; my family and I rely upon the Thames Valley Police to protect us from crime.
So, vote for Barry as he'll try to do a good job out of blind self-interest.
Thus far the coalition imposed cuts have been implemented in a rational and sensible fashion with little effect on operational capability. It is my intention to continue that process.
Oh really.
I would like to see police numbers raised, not cut.
Right.
To that end, I will fight vigorously against further cuts, and do so in an open and public manner to honestly communicate with people how the priorities of the three old parties, especially profligate spending on irresponsible vanity projects such as HS2 and a ring-fenced and rising foreign aid budget, is having a detrimental effect on the safety of the community.
Ah, of course - how silly of me to forget what the real threat to local policing is: giving money to people in the developing world. How very very silly indeed. And of course, as police commissioner for the Thames Valley our hero Barry Cooper will of course be able to influence the foreign aid budget.
What would Barry like to change about local policing?
The need to improve morale is incredibly important, and a lot can be done in a very short space of time to raise the spirits of our police officers.
And what are your top crime priorities?
A zero-tolerance approach to “gateway” level crime such as anti-social behaviour and so-called “petty” crime.
Yeah, throw away the key. In conclusion: the UKIP candidate is totally nuts. Surprise surprise.
Let's compare him with the Liberal Democrat candidate, who overall sounds like quite a nice man.
I am especially interested in policies that will reduce the number of young people entering into a life of crime. Fewer young criminals means fewer lifelong criminals.
But on the other hand he is a Lib Dem so let's not even consider taking him seriously.
Next, the conservative.
Soldier, aviator, explorer, businessman, councillor, and an experienced members of the Police Authority with a proven record of improving performance in Thames.
What's that song that's suddenly in your head? Why if it aint So Macho by Sinitta. She don't want no seven stone weakling, no boy who thinks he's a girl . And neither should you. Vote conservative. What's his vision for policing in the Thames Valley?
To reduce crime in Thames Valley, and catch those that commit it.
Shit man, some crazy ass radical views there. Why should people vote for you?
I commanded the Army helicopters in the Falkland Islands in the latter half of 1982
Fair enough.
I have both a practical and academic knowledge of terrorism.
He's a terrorist! I knew it. To be fair to him he actually sounds quite competent and experienced. But he is also a rancid tory milksnatching baby eater. So no dice.
Finally the Labour candidate. What does he want to change?
Stop the cuts to police numbers that will mean a slower response to 999 calls, less visible policing and less capacity to investigate crime
Good good. What's his most memorable experience of the police locally?
Repeatedly reporting anti-social behaviour, but being frustrated by a slow and inadequate response from local police.
How dare he criticise the police like that. How. Very. Dare. He.
His priorities are anti-social behaviour, drug addiction and domestic violence. He's a barrister and has worked in both defence and prosecution. He's an advocate of reforms.
Right, you might have guessed it that at this point I'm starting to lean towards voting Labour. I wanted to go for the independent but I just don't think she sounds as good a candidate. But hold up what's this?
Yay. I can vote for Patience after all. Or maybe I could even vote UKIP for a laugh. Why not eh.
But what is the police and crime commissioner even supposed to do? What even is a PCC. What.
Well, a lil bit of reading (specifically on this page) has enlightened me. The PCC is supposed to hold the police to account, to represent normal people and to make decisions about the budget. Everywhere in the country will have a PCC, apart from London where the mayor is in charge of all that stuff.
So basically the PCC will do what Boris Johnson does but only in matters relating to policing and crime. And not, say, public transportation.
The job is pretty important. The police are supposed to exist to stop crime and catch criminals, but there are countless stories of the police getting things very seriously wrong.
Blair peach: dead.
Jean-Charles de Menezes: dead.
Ian Tomlinson: dead.
Alexander Litvenenko: dead.
Actually that last one wasn't to do with the police, that was Russians.
Last Summer PC Alex McFarlane repeatedly called a black man in police custody a "nigger".
In 2010 Alfie Meadows required brain surgery after being hit by a police baton.
Police spies lived with peaceful environmental activists, had sex with them and even fathered children under false names.
And you knoe, this isn't the only way in which the police can be shit. They can take ages to come round when you've been burgled. Or they can decide that a good use of their time is fining people for cycling on Queen Street in Oxford, even though this is a road that busses are allowed to drive along. Busses are fine but bikes are dangerous apparently.
I don't want to throw myself into the 'all cops are bastards' camp, but it's obvious that policing in this country is far from perfect.
Regardless of how much difference you think these candidates will make, these elections amount to us being offered the chance to choose the one we think will be the best.
Or alternatively, this is an opportunity for you to go vote against the coalition government. It might not really have any actual effects at Westminster, but if everyone goes out and votes for 'not the conservative', just imagine the message this will send out.
I can't be arsed to list all the ways in which I think the current government is totally shit, but basically almost every single policy announcement of the past two years can be filed under either 'totally shortsighted' or 'totally evil'.
So basically, let's all go out and vote for the Labour candidate as a protest against the tories.
And even if you're an awful right-winger, why not put UKIP first and conservatives as your second choice? It's not as if there's much danger of UKIP winning which means your beloved soldier, aviator, explorer is just as likely to win, but it will at least rattle the government's cages.
So there you go. Go out and vote.
Oh and if you want to read more about the candidates in the Thames Valley area (or elsewhere), have a look here.
Let's compare him with the Liberal Democrat candidate, who overall sounds like quite a nice man.
I am especially interested in policies that will reduce the number of young people entering into a life of crime. Fewer young criminals means fewer lifelong criminals.
But on the other hand he is a Lib Dem so let's not even consider taking him seriously.
Next, the conservative.
Soldier, aviator, explorer, businessman, councillor, and an experienced members of the Police Authority with a proven record of improving performance in Thames.
What's that song that's suddenly in your head? Why if it aint So Macho by Sinitta. She don't want no seven stone weakling, no boy who thinks he's a girl . And neither should you. Vote conservative. What's his vision for policing in the Thames Valley?
To reduce crime in Thames Valley, and catch those that commit it.
Shit man, some crazy ass radical views there. Why should people vote for you?
I commanded the Army helicopters in the Falkland Islands in the latter half of 1982
Fair enough.
I have both a practical and academic knowledge of terrorism.
He's a terrorist! I knew it. To be fair to him he actually sounds quite competent and experienced. But he is also a rancid tory milksnatching baby eater. So no dice.
Finally the Labour candidate. What does he want to change?
Stop the cuts to police numbers that will mean a slower response to 999 calls, less visible policing and less capacity to investigate crime
Good good. What's his most memorable experience of the police locally?
Repeatedly reporting anti-social behaviour, but being frustrated by a slow and inadequate response from local police.
How dare he criticise the police like that. How. Very. Dare. He.
His priorities are anti-social behaviour, drug addiction and domestic violence. He's a barrister and has worked in both defence and prosecution. He's an advocate of reforms.
Right, you might have guessed it that at this point I'm starting to lean towards voting Labour. I wanted to go for the independent but I just don't think she sounds as good a candidate. But hold up what's this?
The supplementary vote system will be used in the PCC elections. This is currently the system used to elect mayors (e.g. Mayor of London), the closest existing role to PCCs. Under the supplementary vote system, a voter is asked to indicate first and second preferences. If no candidate wins 50 per cent of the first preference votes, the two candidates with the highest number of first preference votes go forward to a second round.
In the second round, candidates who were eliminated in the previous round have the second preference indicated on the ballot paper allocated to the remaining candidates. The process continues until a candidates passes the 50% + 1 threshold to secure a plurality of votes.
Yay. I can vote for Patience after all. Or maybe I could even vote UKIP for a laugh. Why not eh.
But what is the police and crime commissioner even supposed to do? What even is a PCC. What.
Well, a lil bit of reading (specifically on this page) has enlightened me. The PCC is supposed to hold the police to account, to represent normal people and to make decisions about the budget. Everywhere in the country will have a PCC, apart from London where the mayor is in charge of all that stuff.
So basically the PCC will do what Boris Johnson does but only in matters relating to policing and crime. And not, say, public transportation.
The job is pretty important. The police are supposed to exist to stop crime and catch criminals, but there are countless stories of the police getting things very seriously wrong.
Blair peach: dead.
Jean-Charles de Menezes: dead.
Ian Tomlinson: dead.
Alexander Litvenenko: dead.
Actually that last one wasn't to do with the police, that was Russians.
Last Summer PC Alex McFarlane repeatedly called a black man in police custody a "nigger".
In 2010 Alfie Meadows required brain surgery after being hit by a police baton.
Police spies lived with peaceful environmental activists, had sex with them and even fathered children under false names.
And you knoe, this isn't the only way in which the police can be shit. They can take ages to come round when you've been burgled. Or they can decide that a good use of their time is fining people for cycling on Queen Street in Oxford, even though this is a road that busses are allowed to drive along. Busses are fine but bikes are dangerous apparently.
I don't want to throw myself into the 'all cops are bastards' camp, but it's obvious that policing in this country is far from perfect.
Regardless of how much difference you think these candidates will make, these elections amount to us being offered the chance to choose the one we think will be the best.
Or alternatively, this is an opportunity for you to go vote against the coalition government. It might not really have any actual effects at Westminster, but if everyone goes out and votes for 'not the conservative', just imagine the message this will send out.
I can't be arsed to list all the ways in which I think the current government is totally shit, but basically almost every single policy announcement of the past two years can be filed under either 'totally shortsighted' or 'totally evil'.
So basically, let's all go out and vote for the Labour candidate as a protest against the tories.
And even if you're an awful right-winger, why not put UKIP first and conservatives as your second choice? It's not as if there's much danger of UKIP winning which means your beloved soldier, aviator, explorer is just as likely to win, but it will at least rattle the government's cages.
So there you go. Go out and vote.
Oh and if you want to read more about the candidates in the Thames Valley area (or elsewhere), have a look here.
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
Fun Things To Do At The GUM Clinic
OK so a while ago I got tested for STIs, and whilst waiting for my results to come back had an idea for a post. I then had to wait a few days before I could 'go to print', waiting of course for a text message from the NHS informing me that my results were clear. Writing a highly flippant and silly article about going to check whether you've got HIV/AIDS becomes a bit less funny if it turns out the punchline's that I've got HIV/AIDS.
But then by the time I got the all-clear I'd decided this post wasn't very good so tinkered with it a bit then left it in my drafts folder for a while then realised I haven't posted anything in bloody ages so I'm just going to serve this up regardless. The irony of the situation is that it's been so long since I got that all-clear it's almost time to go and get another test.
Anyway, getting tested is a bit of a grim experience for anyone but obviously kids if you're engage in such risky activities as having sex or occasionally eating in McDonalds then they're obviously something of a necessity every few months. So kids, go get yoself tested innit. But first have a read about a few ways in which you can make it more fun.
Skip The Queue
Tell reception that you're addicted to hard drugs, you share needles sometimes, and you get paid for sex. And easy as that, the hour and a half spent you would have spent reading magazines becomes a very small amount of time indeed
Camp It Up
You'll meet a nurse who you might never see again, which gives you a very special opportunity to construct an entirely false version of your personality. Consider it a free acting lesson or something. For me this usually means I become a character that's sort of like the impression of a gay man that a homophobic person would do. I am utterly ridiculous in a way that I don't think any of my friends or family would recognise.
But you could do whatever. The whole fandango takes about twenty minutes maximum, so just adopt whatever trait you want. A northern accent. A lisp. When they call your number, limp out of the waiting room and down the corridor. You can do whatever you want, and provided you can keep it going with a straight face, the nurse will not have a clue that you're faking. And even if she does suspect something, there's no way she'll be certain enough to tell you she thinks you don't really have a Russian accent.
(I'm just going to interrupt my flow here to acknowledge the fact that I have so far used female pronouns to describe the nurses at the GUM clinic. Of course this might sound kinda sexist, but thinking about it in my entire history of getting checked the nurse has always been female. There was this one time I was seen by a doctor, but she was female too. So either everyone who works in a GUM clinic is female, or maybe all the male nurses are checking out the female patients. And by writing that down, I've made it sound like going to get a medical check-up is a horribly sordid affair where all the staff are perverts. Sorry bout that.)
Lie About Your Sexual Partners
I don't really get why they need to know exactly how many sexual partners you've had, their gender or what you got up to. Well I kinda do because they swab you in different places depending on whether any of these have been in close contact with someone else's penis, but the nurses do like to keep track of everyone you've slept with, like a jealous ex.
So why not throw in a few extras? Say you went to an orgy. Say you went to Africa and had unprotected sex with prostitutes. Lie about your sexual orientation. Or, when the nurse first starts asking you, look her dead in the eye and interrupt her with 'Look, I haven't got all day and I certainly haven't got enough time to list all my sexual partners'. (Admittedly this one I haven't tried myself but can whoever does it please report back what the nurse's response is please.)
Make The Nurse Your Agony Aunt
When they ask you about your sexual partners they also ask you whether you were in a monogamous relationship, if it was a casual affair or if it was a one-off. As you're recounting your list of dozens of made-up partners, why not add in a bit of emotional turmoil, to keep things interesting.
'Yeah, it was one-off. I really thought he really liked me, we had a lovely dinner and everything but then he didn't respond to my texts, I left three messages on his voicemail but he never returned my calls, I thought we could have been something.'
Burst into tears about your failed relationships. Question where it all went wrong. Bring up all the minor details of arguments you had months ago. Describe what your ex looks like and go into loads of details. Talk about his beautiful blue eyes and the way he used to smile at you, and how you used to feel like the luckiest girl in the world. And then say how he ditched you for your best mate.
Lie About Your Sexual Partners (Part 2)
Say you performed some kind of sex act on an inanimate object. Or an animal. Remember, everything is confidential so even if you claim to have done something totally illegal the worst that can happen is the nurse will scream and run out the room yelling about the crazy pervert in room 3
The Aeroplane Game
You know how parents persuade small babies to eat a bit of food off a spoon by pretending it's an aeroplane? Why not do the same thing as the nurse sticks a scratchy swabby thing up your urethra? This might actually be of more use for the nurses, and this would remind patients of their childhoods and would definitely make them feel less uneasy about having a swab rammed up their willies.
Any (or all) of these will surely lead to getting tested being a more fun way for anyone to spend a morning. Obviously safe sex is the way to go but there's nothing wrong with a bit I Must Somehow Still Have AIDS paranoia, even though you were wearing three condoms and did it standing up with the lights off on the first Tuesday of the month. Go get tested, kids. Oh and don't actually wear three condoms, one is enough.
But then by the time I got the all-clear I'd decided this post wasn't very good so tinkered with it a bit then left it in my drafts folder for a while then realised I haven't posted anything in bloody ages so I'm just going to serve this up regardless. The irony of the situation is that it's been so long since I got that all-clear it's almost time to go and get another test.
Anyway, getting tested is a bit of a grim experience for anyone but obviously kids if you're engage in such risky activities as having sex or occasionally eating in McDonalds then they're obviously something of a necessity every few months. So kids, go get yoself tested innit. But first have a read about a few ways in which you can make it more fun.
Skip The Queue
Tell reception that you're addicted to hard drugs, you share needles sometimes, and you get paid for sex. And easy as that, the hour and a half spent you would have spent reading magazines becomes a very small amount of time indeed
Camp It Up
You'll meet a nurse who you might never see again, which gives you a very special opportunity to construct an entirely false version of your personality. Consider it a free acting lesson or something. For me this usually means I become a character that's sort of like the impression of a gay man that a homophobic person would do. I am utterly ridiculous in a way that I don't think any of my friends or family would recognise.
But you could do whatever. The whole fandango takes about twenty minutes maximum, so just adopt whatever trait you want. A northern accent. A lisp. When they call your number, limp out of the waiting room and down the corridor. You can do whatever you want, and provided you can keep it going with a straight face, the nurse will not have a clue that you're faking. And even if she does suspect something, there's no way she'll be certain enough to tell you she thinks you don't really have a Russian accent.
(I'm just going to interrupt my flow here to acknowledge the fact that I have so far used female pronouns to describe the nurses at the GUM clinic. Of course this might sound kinda sexist, but thinking about it in my entire history of getting checked the nurse has always been female. There was this one time I was seen by a doctor, but she was female too. So either everyone who works in a GUM clinic is female, or maybe all the male nurses are checking out the female patients. And by writing that down, I've made it sound like going to get a medical check-up is a horribly sordid affair where all the staff are perverts. Sorry bout that.)
(Artist's impression of nurse may or may not accurately reflect the reality of nurses working at the GUM clinic)
Lie About Your Sexual Partners
I don't really get why they need to know exactly how many sexual partners you've had, their gender or what you got up to. Well I kinda do because they swab you in different places depending on whether any of these have been in close contact with someone else's penis, but the nurses do like to keep track of everyone you've slept with, like a jealous ex.
So why not throw in a few extras? Say you went to an orgy. Say you went to Africa and had unprotected sex with prostitutes. Lie about your sexual orientation. Or, when the nurse first starts asking you, look her dead in the eye and interrupt her with 'Look, I haven't got all day and I certainly haven't got enough time to list all my sexual partners'. (Admittedly this one I haven't tried myself but can whoever does it please report back what the nurse's response is please.)
Make The Nurse Your Agony Aunt
When they ask you about your sexual partners they also ask you whether you were in a monogamous relationship, if it was a casual affair or if it was a one-off. As you're recounting your list of dozens of made-up partners, why not add in a bit of emotional turmoil, to keep things interesting.
'Yeah, it was one-off. I really thought he really liked me, we had a lovely dinner and everything but then he didn't respond to my texts, I left three messages on his voicemail but he never returned my calls, I thought we could have been something.'
Burst into tears about your failed relationships. Question where it all went wrong. Bring up all the minor details of arguments you had months ago. Describe what your ex looks like and go into loads of details. Talk about his beautiful blue eyes and the way he used to smile at you, and how you used to feel like the luckiest girl in the world. And then say how he ditched you for your best mate.
Lie About Your Sexual Partners (Part 2)
Say you performed some kind of sex act on an inanimate object. Or an animal. Remember, everything is confidential so even if you claim to have done something totally illegal the worst that can happen is the nurse will scream and run out the room yelling about the crazy pervert in room 3
The Aeroplane Game
You know how parents persuade small babies to eat a bit of food off a spoon by pretending it's an aeroplane? Why not do the same thing as the nurse sticks a scratchy swabby thing up your urethra? This might actually be of more use for the nurses, and this would remind patients of their childhoods and would definitely make them feel less uneasy about having a swab rammed up their willies.
Any (or all) of these will surely lead to getting tested being a more fun way for anyone to spend a morning. Obviously safe sex is the way to go but there's nothing wrong with a bit I Must Somehow Still Have AIDS paranoia, even though you were wearing three condoms and did it standing up with the lights off on the first Tuesday of the month. Go get tested, kids. Oh and don't actually wear three condoms, one is enough.
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