Friday, 23 March 2012

Conspiracy Theorising

OK so Tulisa off X Factor has been caught being naughty. I watched the Channel 5 News Today and it appears she's posted a little webcam message to acknowledge that yeah it's her and also to make the guy involved look like a dick and her look like the hapless victim, which I suppose she is. Lesson to learn: either don't make naughty videos of yoself, or don't get famous. Annoyingly for me this means my life is a tireless crusade towards the goal of dying relatively unfamous, cos damn girl that Tulisa aint got shit on me.

(This is of course the kind of joke that not only might have a certain appeal towards whatever general readership I may have picked up so far, it also will instill terror into the heart of my darling mother. And this, to me at least, is a bit funny.)

But of course when considering any sex tape, we must not forget that famous old chestnut, Paris Hilton. Of course in the case of Tulisa this was not so much a sex tape as a clothed-woman-kneeeling-down-and-playing-with-an-erect-penis-and-sometimes-putting-it-in-her-mouth tape, or to put it more concisely: a blowjob tape. Channel 5's and indeed Tulisa's vocabularies do not appear to extend to the word 'blowjob' (I could have sworn it's in the OED though) so watchin the news there was the somewhat baffling spectacle of them all referring to the whole experience as an "intimate moment".

Now allow me to veer off topic for a sec: I'm aware that I don't actually watch Newsnight that much, but it was the budget and everything yesterday so I thought I'd treat myself. I will now explain to you what I consider to be an "intimate moment". Hopefully you will be lucky enough to read this post before BBC pulls last night's Newsnight off iPlayer, and supposing you are, clicky if you will this linky, and drag the slider to zero minutes thirty seconds. As Paxman offscreen reads off his autocue that "the Chief Secretary to the Treasury is here to tell us why he's happy to have George Osborne's speech written on his tombstone, and his Labour shadow to tell him why he's a disgrace", the two of them stare at each other for a full 11 seconds.

It is possibly the most romantic eleven seconds to have ever been captured on film, as if they both want to fall in love with each other but him being the CSttT (I have invented this as an acronym cos I'm too lazy to type his title out fully) and her being his shadow, in true Romeo and Juliet style (for some reason over the past few months I have taken to always pronouncing Juliet as 'Huliet', in a spanishy sort of way), their love can never be. Their 11 seconds on Newsnight is as close as it can ever get, but oh my what an 11 seconds. The intense staring, the coy flick of the hair, the half smile ... great artists have spent years trying to craft great art from those tiny glimpses of passion, and I'm not enough of an artist to try to do it justice.

But back to where I was before I got distracted ... oh yes, that Paris Hilton. It's not as if she was ever taken seriously in a way that could possibly have been damaged by that shocking revelation that she had gone so far as to have had sex. Out of wedlock and everything. And if anything, she did very well and it boosted her career. The ridiculous thing about the response to a naughty sex tape is that nobody would bat an eyelid about what Tulisa actually did in the video.

Supposing her ex boyfriend wanted to sell a story to a crappy tabloid, 'Tulisa Performed Blowjob' is not a particularly inspiring headline. As much as I hate the tabloid press, I do respect them occasionally for their funny headline puns, but even they couldn't turn either her the name of her old band N'Dubz or her surname Contoslavos into a decent giving head-based gag. Maybe if she'd been involved in some sort of BDSM type stuff they could have gone for "Tulisa ContoSLAVE-os" or something, but this is just wishful thinking on my part.

The guy whose willy is the centre of the furore, after having been named and shamed in the webcam confessional video from Tulisa, responded by saying . "To find the truth both sides of the story should be heard b4 passing judgement ". So he's kinda denying responsibility I suppose.

I've put on my detective hat and there are basically four ways this video could have surfaced in the way it did.
One: he leaked it on purpose.
Two: he sent it to some friends to show off, and they sent it on etc and then someone leaked it.
Three: whatever electronic device he had stored on it got stolen and they leaked it.

I've just realised there are actually five ways it could have got leaked, I was building up to my grand finale and everything at number four, but that's now been pushed back to number five.

Number four: some kinda hackers from Anonymous or LulzSec or one of those put it on Wikileaks. (You never know what that Assange is up to nowadays.)
Anyway, number five the big finale here, the conspiracy theory you've been waiting for has come out to play: she did it.

I have not been keeping too close an eye on this woman's career but she was in that rubbish band then did some X Factor judging, I'm pretty sure she sang one night with a contestant and proved she was good at singing and all, but her name is not ringing any bells with me as a solo star in her own right. So maybe this was done for the press attention in a deliberate way to launch herself as a solo singer.

For the purpose of making my misinformed conspiracy theorising more legit as good old fashioned misinformed conspiracy theorising, I have resisted the temptation to click her wikipedia page and find out if she's in fact already released a solo album or summat. I think if I had this knowledge it would undermine my ability to be misinformed. Like that old maxim goes, knowledge is power. And I had the same primary school teacher (Mrs Humpage) for both year 4 and year 6, and I can't actually remember which of those school years it was that we studied the Tudors. But I can remember the authority with which she said "Power always corrupts". And she may have been referring to Henry VIII at this point, but her words have stuck with me.

What has also stuck with me (somewhere in deep recesses of my brain, waiting til now to be awakened) is the absurdity of the fact that when the head teacher of our catholic primary school left, it was so openly discussed that Mrs Humpage was the most senior teacher there and was the obvious choice for headteacher, except she wasn't catholic, so was therefore not a contender. She simply could not be trusted with the responsibility, lest she led us all to protestant hell.

And at this point I realise that despite my many noble attempts to regain my train of thought, I think I've concluded the main point of this essay and am now rambling on about my primary school. Mrs Humpage, you were a lot of fun. Nighty night.

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