Thursday, 22 March 2012

Brief thoughts on the budget

I'm painfully aware that I'm too lazy and ignorant to write a properly reasoned argument against the injustices I perceive in yesterday's budget without merely repeating things that have already been said by people who understand it all a bit better than me, but allow me if you will a moment to jot down some alternate suggestions instead.

1. Anyone earning less than the threshold for the 40p tax rate has the right to demand 5p of anyone who earns above 150k, at any time of the day and in any situation. It is a legal requirement for them to then provide you with a five pence piece. You can only ask for a 5p coin once a day though, although if you ask a different rich person on the same day then that is allowed. A quick spot of googling informs me that there are 275,000 people earning this much, and realistically it is unlikely they will want to carry round a massive wheelbarrow of 5p coins themselves. Thus over a quarter of a million jobs will be created which will stimulate the economy and bring down unemployment. Hooray. As well as this, I'm pretty sure there aren't currently enough 5p coins for this, so jobs will be created in manufacturing these coins. And finally, supposing the supply of 5p coins cannot keep up with demand, the coins will end up being worth more. And of course as the pound is in fact just twenty 5p pieces, this will make the pound worth more, and thus we will outperform the dollar and the euro. Everybody wins.

2. Miranda Green will be made in charge of hair for both Newsnight and Question Time, and in fact any vaguely serious news-type show on the television (so not Sky News obviously). It's hard to tell whether her slightly messy all-over-the-place-but-looking-effortlessly-cool look was due to hours of trying to look messy and effortlessly cool, or if she just didn't have time to go for the sort of regulation "me on Newsnight, me boring" that all the other ladies on the show did, but it was bloody fabulous and I like her for it.

3. Miranda Green will be brainwashed into supporting the Labour Party.

4. Miranda Green will teach me how to say the word "no" like she did when she was asked if she would have chosen to cut the 50p tax. The mixture of authority and surprise at having been asked such a bloody stupid question was enough to melt my heart, even though a few minutes later it solidified again and then froze over (like a block of Lurpak in a freezer) when she started attacking the shadow cabinet and saying they weren't fit to rule etc.

At this stage I now realise that 3 of my 4 points are about Miranda Green, freelance journalist and former policy advisor to the Liberal Democrats. I watched a bit of Newsnight last night and she made something of a lasting impression on me. Anyway, point five has now formed itself in my brain.

5. George Osborne will stack shelves in Poundland. For no salary. Until he dies.

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