Legitimate Reasons To Be Jealous Of Tom Daley

Tom Daley: Girls want him, guys want to be him, and let's face it quite a fair amount of us want him. And thinking about it, probably quite a few lesbians either want him or want to be him. However, some people want to send him nasty messages online, and bring up his dead father and basically be really horrible for seemingly one reason: jealousy.

I don't condone sending nasty messages, but I would be lying if I said I'm not insanely jealous of Tom Daley. What I'm going to try to do here is list all the reasons you could have for being supa jel of him, in the hope that if I can recognise all the reasons I have for being really jealous of him one by one then I will not feel the need to send him any online abuse. Here goes:

1. Look at that body. He's a very attractive thing. He has a good head or hair (actually so do I so this isn't particularly important for me) and a pretty face and he is muscly and toned in all the right places.

1. a. He can presumably have sex with literally anyone he wants. You wouldn't say no to that would you.

2. Everybody loves him.

3. He's good at diving. Very good at diving in fact. I've never tried to get good at diving but I'll hazard a guess that even if I had done a load of training then I would not be as good at diving as Tom Daley.

4. According to Wikipedia he's pretty damn bright, and did damn good in his GCSEs and A-levels. While I don't feel jealous of him for this per se because I also did damn good in my GCSEs and A-levels, I am jealous because he managed to do this at the same time as training to be a world-class athlete.

5. He's been to China. I really wanna go on holiday to China. Well actually I'd quite like to go all over Asia on a really long trip, and I can't do that for at least two years because I'm supposed to be doing a degree.

6. He got Kate Moss to pose for his GCSE photography project. I know it's nice to be gracious about some thing really good happening to someone you know, like someone I know filled out a survey and won an iPad and I would look like a bit of a lame-ass if I was visibly upset about this ... but just imagine how livid you would have been if you were in Tom Daley's class, you're 15 years old and working on your photography project and then you find out he's only gone and got the most famous model in the world. For a GCSE project.

7. He's a gay icon. The gays are obsessed with him and love him.


Reasons Not To Be Jealous:

1. He didn't get a medal yesterday. You probably didn't win an olympic gold yesterday either, but you probably knew you weren't going to. It wasn't a big disappointment for you or anything.

2. He's not very tall. He's 5'9 which is by no means short but I quite like being the height I am and I wouldn't want to be two inches shorter. But actually for diving he's a bit tall, as it's easier to spin round in a circle if you're shorter, so if he was my height then he'd definitely not be getting any medals. I'm now feeling very grateful I never pursued competitive diving as 'and then I got too tall and had to give it up' would be a rubbish story.

3. He got bullied at school after he was at the Beijing Olympics. This one can assume was stupid kids being jealous of him and dealing with their insecurity by teasing him.

4. He only has one living parent after his father died of cancer. Which is really sad and it must be horrible when some kid you've never met wants to bring this up to make you feel bad after you've just spent the day representing your country and didn't win.

5. The gays all think he's gay, which if you weren't gay would be sort of annoying. He probably is gay though. Tom if you're reading this and want to let me know, do drop me an email.

What Have We Learned:

1. I fancy Tom Daley

2. There are pros and cons to being Tom Daley, like there are to being anyone.

3. I'm not sure exactly what else.

Anyway, here are some photos of Tom Daley showering where it looks a bit like he's getting up to some naughtiness, but presumably he isn't because if that was the case it would probably be quite the news story.

SARAH/PALIN/REVERSE/FERRET//GUNS/MURDER//DEATH/MORALITY

YESTERDAY: Sarah Palin posted this on Facebook. Ha ha hee hee.

The very obvious issue of this is that if you get fat due to eating too much food, you have to hold yourself at least somewhat responsible for this. 'Spoons made me fat' would be a good point to make if you were arguing against gun companies and blaming them for people who use guns to commit suicide.

However, people who get shot are pretty unlikely to have consented to have their flesh ripped into by bullets. I would estimate that more than 99% of the people who get shot didn't actually want to get shot. Spoons made me fat is not an appropriate counterargument.

As for what would be a good counterargument, how about 'Cars ran me over'?

Except, even though cars do run a lot of people over all the time, this is rarely done on purpose. Cars are dangerous, they do injure and kill people, but this is not the reason people drive their cars. There's perhaps a benefit to society of us having cars. We could argue otherwise by invoking environmental reasons, but I can't imagine this would be of much interest to our dear Sarah Palin.

Anyway, TODAY. THIS:

Some guy killed a load of people at a cinema. And I mean a LOAD of people. A total of 71 were shot, 10 killed at the scene and a further two so far dying from their injuries.

To Sarah Palin this is 'inexplicable'.

To Sarah Palin the idea of allowing any member of the public the right to carry lethal weapons with them has nothing to do with the fact that they might then use these to commit mass murder.

Now I am not saying we should live in a police state in which people aren't allowed to buy sets of kitchen knives in case they used these to attack other people, but it's very obvious that armed with guns, a mentally unhinged person can go totally fucking nuts and kill a lot of people in no time at all. And unless there are a large number of people with guns on them at all times ready to take him out, there's not much you can do except run and away and hide.

Knives are no less deadly than guns. Plenty of people have been killed by knives and swords and axes and hammers and crowbars and candlesticks and lead pipings. In the dining room, the hall and the study. And in the cinema. The phenomenon of  people using guns to go on murderous rampages is nothing new, from Columbine to Raoul Moat to Virginia Tech to Oakland and to Anders Breivik.

It's very fucking obvious that if you've got a gun then it's a lot easier to carry out this sort of act. You can kill a lot more people in a shorter space of time, and bystanders have far less chance of stopping you.

It is an unfortunate side-effect of human nature that sometimes some people snap and decide to kill a load of people. We can do our best as a society to stop this sort of thing happening by having access to mental health services and a strong criminal justice system. But even with this the best will in the world we cannot expect to prevent all incidents like this from happening.

People are unpredictable, and it would be impossible to spot every person who is five minutes away from plotting a dramatic mass murder. But what we can do, allowing that sometimes people will go nuts, is restict their access to firearms.

America is totally fucked up for thinking that if everyone has a handgun then they will somehow be safer. It's an arms race, and nobody benefits from it. There should be more stringent checks on who should or should not be allowed to own guns. This is not backed up by any sort of academic research, but is plain common sense. The rate of people getting shot in the UK is far lower than it is in the US. It's also a lot more difficult to get hold of a gun, and gun ownership is dramatically lower.

'Spoons made me fat' is of no comfort to the families of people shot down in cold blood. Some of the victims might have owned guns themselves, but some might have not. One thing is for certain: they did not ask to be murdered by a stranger while out at the cinema. My heart doesn't exactly bleed for the overweight person blaming spoons. The dead, on reflection, might consider the guns to blame.

The Curious Case of the Never Ageing Face

Woo No Doubt have a new song! Here's the video for it.



Ok, it's quite a long-ass song. They're definitely gonna be cutting out a lot of that when they play it on the radio. And the video itself? Not exactly mind-blowing, but kinda fun. Oh and sort of scarily laden with close-ups of branded products which is something it's sort of easy to get all het up about until you remember that Nobody Pays For Music These Days so bands have got to earn a living somehow.

But anyway: what's up with Gwen Stefani's face? Look at that face. I recognise that face of hers. Why, I believe it's the very same face I have seen in numerous other videos.

Like this one, from 2006.



But that was six years ago! Why has she not aged? She has not aged. She looks like she's the exact same age.

Or this one from 2005.



She's the same damn age.

(Also it's quite fun to deliberately misinterpret the lyrics of the chorus of this song. When she says "I know we're cool", she's talking about staying friends with her ex, and being "cool" with each other. But I like to imagine that she's banging on about how she's "cool" in the sense of being really stylish and keeping up with all the latest trends. Alright Gwen, shut up about how cool you are, we get it.)

Or 2004. Eight years ago. EIGHT YEARS:



I'm starting to see a couple of trends beginning to emerge. Not only have Ms Stefani's videos got gradually less awe-inspiring since 2004, there's also the issue that she doesn't look like she's got at all older in eight years.

The woman was born in the 60s. I don't know what exact age she was during the filming of any of these videos but in 2004 she was certainly in her mid-thirties. She's now 42.

Let's go a little further back in time:

Gwen Stefani looking the same age in 2001:



And in 2001 again. (I'm only posting this one as well because it features No Doubt's drummer getting naked and hanging from a trapeze):



And in 1996:



Alright I suppose she looks a little bit younger in this one. But if we forget about this music video, it's still pretty remarkable how Gwen Stefani has doesn't look a day older than she did in 2001. I don't wanna sound sensationalist or anything, but there's really only one plausible explanation for this.

At some point between the years 1996 and 2001 the real Gwen Stefani was killed (perhaps in a car accident, say) and replaced with a robot Gwen Stefani. An extremely convincing, all-singing, all-dancing, artificial intelligence cyborg android. 


Robot Gwen, I salute you. You've gone places in your career that nobody really expected Human Gwen to go. I don't think anyone would have looked at vaguely alternative pop-rock Gwen from 1996 and predicted you'd be interrupting black tie parties with Eve, or hanging out with your Harajuku Girls and chasing flamingos, or making a song in which you say 'shit' a total of 38 times? (Or, if you watch the 'clean version' of the video, there are 38 weird pauses.)



Nobody. Well done Robot Gwen. You're amazing, even though you're a robot. And if anything, now that I know you're a robot I sort of think you're more amazing than I did before.

"Feminists" at it again

So, some women in Oxford are desperately fighting for gender equality via actively campaigning to put some other women out of a job. Because that's what feminism is, apparently.

Let's ignore the fact that the country is in a pretty shitty situation economically, that there are no jobs around and that just about everyone apart from the extremely wealthy is struggling financially, let's ignore that and try to put some women out of a job. Yeah. Let's do that. Why?

Because these women take off their clothes for a living. And we disapprove of this. And we know best, because we are feminists and we use words like 'patriarchy' all the time, because saying this word makes us look clever.

People claiming to be feminists who try to ruin the lives of sex workers need to reconsider their opinions. They are hypocrites.

Let's consider for a second the issue of abortion. Feminists have generally won the argument, that a woman should have the right to abort, regardless of the fact that some people disapprove of this. They can disapprove all they want but the woman whose pregnancy it is gets the final say.

Or let's take the case of the sex act known as fisting, in which someone inserts their whole hand into someone else. I disapprove of this. It sounds incredibly painful and unimaginably horrible, and I have no idea why some people apparently like doing it. I cannot see the appeal at all, and actually thinking about it for more than a few seconds starts to make me feel physically sick. But that doesn't mean I think it should be banned.

Now let's consider a woman who wants to work in a lap-dancing club. No. No fucking way. You might want to work in a lap-dancing club, but we know best and we're going to do everything we can to get that place shut down. Why can't you do a nice job that we approve of huh? Dancing like that you're objectifying yourself and this is wrong and we know best and how dare you do that you slut.

This is nothing less than a puritanical crusade. These women think that they have the moral authority to tell consenting adults what they can or can't do for a living. They think to themselves "I wouldn't want to be a stripper" and use this as the basis for which they reason that all women who work as strippers must hate it, and need saving from themselves. They infer that making the decision to become a stripper cannot be the right one no matter what the circumstances. They say it is degrading, they make the dubious claim that strip clubs encourage men to become rapists, and they contribute to the culture of stigmatisation experienced by strippers and other sex workers. 


What they don't do for one second is think about what they are doing to the lives of the women who work in these clubs. (Or for that matter the men who work there, not that this would matter very much to these "feminists" who are intent on waging all-out gender war). They hypothesise that every woman working as a stripper is 'vulnerable', that she was abused as a child or stuck in an abusive relationship, that she's desperate for money, that she's addicted to drugs.


Now I'm not a stripper (apart from this one time, but that's a story for a later date) and I can't claim to speak on behalf of strippers, but there are a number of very obvious reasons why working in a lap-dancing club might be preferable to another job. It's probably better paid than other jobs on offer, it might allow them to care for their children during the day, some women might even actually enjoy it.


But rather than listen to these women, and respect that they are just as capable of making informed decisions as any other adult, the feminists appeal instead to nimbyism.

Look at this ridiculous survey they've made, which they want to present to the council.

Do you feel it is appropriate or inappropriate to site a lap dancing club within sightline of or within 500m of the following places?
Nursery/school
College with students under 18
College with classes in the evening
Church
Public car park
Leisure facility (e.g. swimming pool)
Doctors/dentist surgery

And there was silly old me thinking "Won't somebody please think of the children?" was a tactic used only by the religious right. Oh and God forbid there be a lewd establishment half a kilometre away from a church. Have we no shame? And near the doctors. Think of all the old ladies who die every year because they can't face the embarrassment of walking past a strip club to go get a flu jab. And just think, the obesity crisis in this country could be solved in no time at all if there were no strip clubs putting people off going swimming.

Would a nearby lap dancing club put you off using such facilities (assuming you had a choice of a differently located facility)? 

Now that you mention it, I might stop playing ice hockey at the Oxford ice rink, what with the fact there's a strip club next door. Birmingham University has an ice hockey team and it's only an hour away on the train, and I'm sure they'd let me join their team if I explain the circumstances.

Most laughable though is the final question:

Should Oxford have a lap-dancing venue? 

I mean how in God's name are you supposed to answer this? You're given the options of No, Yes, or Undecided/Other. I am curious, how many people would say 'Yes' to this question? Other than people who actually go lap-dancing clubs on a regular basis. I know I've just expended over 800 words arguing in favour of having a laissez-faire attitude to this sort of thing, but supposing Oxford didn't have a strip club then I'm not sure how much work I'd be putting in to banging on about how it's time there was a venue catering for those of us who want to gawp at naked women. Should Oxford have a lap-dancing venue? Not particularly. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't.

Anyway: if you sort of agree with me then I'd like to encourage you to let the "feminists" (Or as I like to think of them, "'Put your clothes back on you filthy whore' feminists") know via filling out their survey. Obviously if you disagree with me then fill out their stupid survey anyway as it's not as if anyone's going to take it at all seriously as a genuinely unbiased bit of research.

But come on let's beat them at their own game.

DEAD BLACKBERRY CHRONICLES 2: A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS

I WON. I WON. NO CALLING TESCO FOR ME.

Dear Tom, 

            

Thank you for your email.

I can confirm a jiffy bag has been requested for you. Please follow the instructions received to send your phone to the repair centre.

If you have any further queries, you may find the answer in the ‘How do I?’ section on our website or you can ask our virtual assistant Rachel. Alternatively click here to contact us.

Thank you

Heidi

Tesco Mobile E-mail Customer Service Team

I WON. I WON.I AM OVERJOYED. HAD TO SEND A LIL REPLY OF COURSE DIDN'T I YES I DID

Dear Heidi and everyone at Tesco Mobile

I AM SO HAPPY YOU CAVED IN AT LAST. CHEERS GUYS.

P.S. MY PHONE ISN'T REALLY BROKEN AT ALL HAHAHA

P.P.S. THAT WAS A JOKE, IT IS ACTUALLY BROKEN. I HAVEN'T QUITE REACHED
THAT LEVEL OF INSANITY JUST YET

ME BEING MY ENTIRELY REASONABLE SELF

SO MY PHONE DIED, I EMAILED TESCO ABOUT IT, THEY EMAILED BACK TO SAY I HAVE TO FILL OUT SOME ONLINE FORM SO I DO THAT THEN THEY WRITE THIS

Dear Tom Oakley

Thank you for contacting Tesco Mobile Customer Service.

I am sorry to hear that your handset is faulty.

Please contact the Tesco Mobile repair centre on 0845 300 6660. They will be able to assist you further with this and any fault which is covered under manufacturer's warranty will be completed free of charge for handsets less than 12 months old. Please also note you may be asked to provide your original receipt as proof of purchase.

I am sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

If you have any further queries, you may find the answer in the 'How do I?' section on our website or you can ask our virtual assistant Rachel. Alternatively click here to contact us.

 

Yours sincerely,

Nicola

Tesco Mobile Customer Service
     

TESCO ARE YOU LISTENING I DON'T HAVE A PHONE, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU.
SO I EMAILED. THEN I EMAILED AGAIN. NOW IT IS THE NEXT DAY AND NO RESPONSE
SO I SENT THIS

DEAR TESCO

I HAVEN'T GOT A PHONE

I HAVEN'T GOT A LANDLINE

SEND ME THE ENVELOPE

OTHERWISE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, CALL YOUR 0845 NUMBER FROM A PAYPHONE, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT WILL COST BUT BASED ON THE AMOUNT OF TIME I USUALLY SPEND ON HOLD WHEN I CALL YOU, I IMAGINE IT WILL BE A LOT.

I HAVE GIVEN CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS AS TO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO, NAMELY TO POST ME AN ENVELOPE CONTAINING ANOTHER ENVELOPE FOR ME TO POST MY PHONE BACK TO YOU, SO YOU CAN FIX IT.

NOW, BEARING IN MIND I DO NOT HAVE A PHONE, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FORWARD THIS ONTO THE RELEVANT DEPARTMENT SO I CAN HAVE SOME HELP WITH THIS VIA EMAIL. OTHERWISE I WILL BE WALKING INTO MY NEAREST TESCO STORE AND DEMANDING TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER AND DEMANDING TO BE ALLOWED TO USE THEIR PHONE.

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

I DIDN'T GET A REPLY TO THE EMAILS I SENT YESTERDAY, ,I'VE HAD MY PHONE FOR JUST UNDER A YEAR AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO MAKE THIS REPAIR TAKE SO LONG THAT I'M NOT STILL UNDER WARRANTY

SERIOUSLY SORT IT OUT PLEASE. I'M REALLY NOT IMPRESSED RIGHT NOW

///////////

ALSO THAT CLICK HERE TO CONTACT US BIT DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE A LINK SO I WAS JUST CLICKING A BIT OF TEXT

PART 2:

Welcome to Tesco Mobile live chat. Someone will start chatting with you soon.

You're through to Pete.

Tom Oakley: HI

Pete: Hi I'm Pete. How can I help?

Tom Oakley: so my phone's died

Pete: Hello Tom. 

Tom Oakley: i need someone to send me an envelope to get it fixed

Pete: I'm sorry to hear this. 

Tom Oakley: i have emailed

Tom Oakley: and been told to call

Tom Oakley: i don't have a phone so can't call

Tom Oakley: i have an incident number

Tom Oakley: 264651

Pete: I'm afraid, the handset support team can only help you with the envelope for the handset repair. 

Tom Oakley: well do they have an email?

Tom Oakley: this is ridiculous

Pete: I can help you with there contact details and you can call them from any landline number. 

Pete: I'd have for sure sorted this for you if things would have been in my hands.

Tom Oakley: So the only way to contact them is by phone

Tom Oakley: in the year 2012

Tom Oakley: there is a department of a huge mobile network that is not contactable by email

Tom Oakley: it's like someone in senior management has made the choice to make it difficult to get your phone fixed on purpose

Pete: I can understand this and we are working for on the email contact support for  handset issue. 

Tom Oakley: I wonder why that might be

Tom Oakley: so I need to call the Tesco Mobile repair centre on 0845 300 6660 right?

Pete: That's right, Lines are open Monday to Friday: 8am - 9pm, Saturday: 8am - 8pm and Sunday: 10am - 6pm. It's free from most landlines. 

Tom Oakley: ok as well as this, who can I contact in the 'tesco i want to make a serious complaint about how stupidly you run this company' department

Tom Oakley: it is utterly ridiculous i can't just email

Pete: I'm sorry to hear this. However, I've already taken this as a feedback for Tesco mobile and have forwarded the details to the relevant team. 

Pete: I'll also help you with the link for the email. 

Pete: One minute please. 

Tom Oakley: mmk

Pete: Please click here to Email us.

Pete: Is the link working for you?

Tom Oakley: yeah that link works, but basically i just need to phone? I don't know if I'm going to have access to a landline phone until at least tomorrow

Pete: I can understand how it's to be without the phone these days. 

Pete: However, we don't have the access to send you the envelope for the repair. 

Pete: We really apologize for the inconvenience.

Tom Oakley: Who is 'we'?

Tom Oakley: can you not speak to your boss

Tom Oakley: he can speak to his boss

Tom Oakley: who can talk to someone from this departmentr

Tom Oakley: to tell me that there are no channels between different departments in the same company ... i don't understand why this is

Tom Oakley: it makes no sense

Tom Oakley: at all

Pete: Do you've a number where we can call you back for this?

Pete: I haven't heard from you for a while. Are you still there?

Pete: As you haven't said anything for a while, I'm going to close the chat. I'm sorry we couldn't finish it.

Tesco Mobile has ended this chat session.

Alternate Career Options for a Failed Engineering Student

Just got my results back for the second year of my degree. Ones that actually count towards my overall grade. And they weren't pretty. They were not pretty at all. My ex-boyfriend constantly taunts me that I'm going to leave university with a 2.2, and that I've squandered a golden opportunity of a place at Oxford. Right now a 2.2 looks pretty aspirational. Getting a second class degree of any sort is right now what my dreams are made of.

Luckily for me, my degree works in such a way that you're not allowed to leave after three years and get an actual engineering degree with a grade. No, if I leave after third year then what I'll get is an unclassified BA, with or without honours. God knows how exactly three years spent learning about fun subjects such as Fourier transforms or compressibility factors is to be considered a degree in 'art', but apparently it is. The plus side of this is that if I do manage to get honours of any sort I can at least hint that they might have been high honours, and not a third.

It has been reasonably obvious to me for quite some time that I don't have a huge amount of desire to become a professional engineer, but it's starting to look as though any sort of 'graduate job' in the traditional sense will be somewhat out of my reach. This is annoying because it's really messed up my plans to become super rich, or at least in say the top 5% of the population in terms of wealth.

Because of my laziness and stupidity, in a few years time there'll be a swanky shagpad somewhere in a nice part of London that's going to look a lot less swanky than it could do if I were in it, and I'll be in some miserable bedsit somewhere in the outskirts with  rising damp and small windows.

But all is not lost. Not yet. Plan A is to actually do a bit of work next year for my degree; a rough calculation I've just done now is that if I increase my work output by a factor of 17 then I might be able to come out with an almost half-decent mark. But of course I need some other ideas to fall back on, so I'm starting a list. This is by no means conclusive and will probably be slowly added to as time goes by.

High Class Rentboy
I'm basically the epitome of middle-class, and I'm not sure exactly how the world of expensive prostitution works but I think generally 'high class' means 'not a crack addict'. So I'm halfway there already.

The Male Equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith

Reality TV Star

Let's face it, I'd be absolute gold on my own scripted show in which I pretend to live out my real life. And actually, this would probably be a good springboard for becoming the male equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith, so even if the show got cancelled I still might get my hands on some diamonds to wear, or at least a weekly column in Now magazine.

Professional GBF for Rich Ladies

All ladies want a GBF. This is a bit like me getting a sugar daddy but in this case I'll have a sugar mumma and my duties will mostly be keeping her entertained by going shoe-shopping with her. 

Novelist

My plans to write a novel this summer haven't quite reached the point of actually thinking of a coherent idea for a plot or anything, but I have worked out a few anecdotes that have either happened to me or I've stolen off friends that are totally going in this book I'm going to write. Although actually this means the novel looks like it will read a bit like one of those pages of 'cringe' stories that they run in some magazines, where they ask you to send in stories of embarrassing shit that's happened to you.

Oprah

I want to be Oprah.

Trisha

Thinking about it, I'd rather be Trisha. Trisha Goddard is basically my favourite person of all time.

Lottery Winner

Sod it, I'm gonna start doing the National Lottery. This is worth a shot.

This is all I can think of for now. Do let me know if you have any ideas of your own, and if you know any gay billionaires then do send them my way. Seriously I need to find myself a billionaire.

The Newspaper Says 'It will happen again'

Just to clarify, I'm not inciting people to riot again this summer, but what with the government's own report saying it's gonna happen again, I'd like to raise the following points:

Were the riots to happen again, I'd like to suggest a few ground rules.

1. Only steal shit that's worth stealing, you really don't want to end up prison for having taken a bottle of water.
2. Let's really try to leave small businesses alone. Go nuts in the Vodafone shop if your must but stay out the newsagents.
3. No running people over, and no mugging.
4. Leave the fire brigade alone.
5. And finally, obviously if we do see events like last summer again then it will end up being reported on in a lot of other countries. So let's show off the best of British fashion this time, and not just be in a tracksuit. Make more of an effort kids.

Hey Gurlz

I am sick and tired of hearing about how difficult life is for females of all ages in terms of the social pressure to have a good physique. Constant whiny stuff in the media about magazines and fashion and porn all ruining everybody's self esteem and how having 'negative body image' is making life a living hell. I just do not buy it. Instead of pandering to people's insecurities, we should adopt a common-sense approach. Girls! Here's a handy guide.

STEP ONE: Get naked.

STEP TWO: Stand in front of a big mirror

STEP THREE: Assess whether you are too fat, too thin, or in what I shall call 'The Goldilocks Zone' and you are 'just right' in terms of weight.

Ok so now it gets a little bit complicated as there are different versions of STEP FOUR depending on what the outcome of STEP THREE was.

If you're too fat: eat less food, and maybe try to do a bit more exercise.

If you're too thin: eat more food. Or fattier foods, like chocolate. I hear that women like chocolate.

If you're in The Goldilocks Zone: keep doing what you're doing.


Nearly forgot to include STEP FIVE: Put your clothes back on.


There we go. That's it. This was not that hard, was it? What people don't seem to get is that to have 'the perfect body' when you're a girl, all you need to do is not be fat, and not be too thin. And this can be entirely controlled by how much food you put down your throat. The exercise bit is kinda optional.


Let's now consider what exactly 'the perfect body' is for men. Here's a clue:

And just how, we must ask, did he end up looking like that? Loads and loads and loads of exercise. Look at that. How much time do you think he spends doing repetitive boring exercises? A great deal of time.


Now I do not mean to whine about my physique, but I am a long way away from looking like that guy. And this is acceptable for me. I don't like exercising enough to think that I will ever look like that. It's boring. It takes up loads of time you could be doing fun stuff. And it makes you achey. And it turns you into a nutritional weirdo, fussing over protein shakes and eating loads of chicken, instead of eating real food like a real person. Someone I know with a ridiculously gym-hot body tells me 'it's all about the protein', and in order for him to get enough protein to keep his abs in check he drinks more than four pints of skimmed milk a day. Admittedly he is pretty nice to stare at but the boy eats like a fucking freak.


If I was a girl and wanted to look super hot in a bikini then all I'd have to do is not overeat. Whereas being male, if I want to look super hot in a noticeable way then I'm supposed to spend my life doing loads of sit-ups and planning meals and not eating bread. It's not fair.

The disparity between the amount of physical effort that is required to look like extremely hot for each gender is an example of how actually, come to think of it, there are a few advantages to being a girl.

And don't get me started on 'oh, we've got to wear makeup', cos first of all, you don't have to wear makeup, except maybe sometimes if you want to get really dressed up, but there are basically only three bits of makeup a girl ever needs:

Lipstick
Mascara
Eyeshadow

And that is it. This should take five minutes absolutely tops, and if you're stressing out doing loads of other stupid shit like false eyelashes or foundation then fair enough if you want to, but don't expect any sympathy from me. Admittedly, boys are not ever expected to smear colourful stuff over our lips and eyes (admittedly some still choose to) but you know what? Putting on a bit of lipstick is not that tiring. It does not compare to doing a fuckload of press-ups.

And women who wanna do a fuckload of press-ups? Well good luck to you. You'll look like this:

As a member of Team Homo I'm maybe not the best person to comment here, but if we compare the woman in the photo above to the one below, which looks more appealing?

Women stressing out about their weight is the most boring subject ever, because at the end of the day if you're dissatisfied with how heavy you are then you do have the option to change it.And come to think of it, other things women fret about they can also get 'fixed' by a surgeon if they really want to.

I really think that women considering getting breast enlargements should first go to see a therapist about the fact that they want bigger boobs, because if you're dissatisfied with your body then it might have a lot more to do with your brain than it does your tits. But hey - if the therapist can't get you to 'love your body' as it is, then you can always go and get some silicon stuffed in them.

Compare this with things a bloke might worry about, such as if he was lacking in height, or if he had a really tiny penis. And when I say really tiny, I mean like the tiniest one you can imagine on an adult human. There is no cure for either of these. These blokes just have to grin and bear it, and get on with their lives. And actually, short guys have the added stigma of sometimes being told that their height has adversely impacted their personality and that they have 'Small Man Syndrome'. And nobody ever seems to call this out as something that's actually really unkind, in a way that a lot of people would were they to hear someone say another person had one of the following 'syndromes' that I've just made up:

Big Bum Syndrome
No Bum Syndrome
Ugly Lesbian Syndrome
Knobbly Knees Syndrome
Spotty Face Syndrome

Supposing whilst bitching about the personality of someone who has a spotty face, I was to rationalise that the reason they weren't nice was because their spots had had an impact on their personality, then you'd probably think I was being a cunt. But this is said about short men with horrible personalities all the damn time, that they can't just have a horrible personality because they have a horrible personality, the reason they have a horrible personality is because they are short.

So basically, quit bitching about how hard it is to be a girl. And if the magazines you read make you feel shit, stop buying the damn magazines. If your boyfriend makes you feel shit about your body, dump his ass. If the photos of models at Milan Fashion Week make you feel insecure because they're all a lot prettier than you, then get real. Get fucking real. They're models, it's their job to be prettier than you, if you were as pretty as them then you'd be on that catwalk as well, stupid.